Originally posted on greenfairydotcom
I'm neither ill, gainfully employed nor on hiatus: I simply haven't had the inspiration to post anything that'd be of even the vaguest interest to anyone else. As the days have worn on this has caused me no inconsiderable disquiet and thus I turned to the internet for advice, and finding 10 Steps for Boosting Creativity. Well, I thought, it can't possibly make things any worse.
1. Listen to music by Johann Sebastian Bach.
Not owning any, the closest I could find in my collection was Skid Row, fronted by one Sebastian Bach. I'm sure my neighbour now has plenty to blog about having observed me through a neglected open window dancing around my living room and throwing the horns in nothing but a pair of neon yellow Y-fronts but alas, my own block remains.
2. Brainstorm.
I can't think of anything to write about.
¦ ¦
¦ ¦
Write down the first things If you can't say anything
that come into your head for good, don't say anything at
ten minutes straight. all.
¦ ¦
¦ ¦
Lose all audience through Lose all audience through
making them read ten minutes misguided belief that I am
worth of undiluted drivel dead.
in the unrealised hope of a ¦
half-decent punchline. ¦
¦ ¦
¦ ¦
Bollocks. Bollocks.
3. Always carry a small notebook and a pen or pencil around with you. That way, if you are struck by an idea, you can quickly note it down.
20th April, 9.12am. I want a flapjack.
21st April, 7.45pm. Why are the seats on Bakerloo line trains squishier than on any other lines?
25th April, 10.55am. People should wear more green.
Hm.
4. If you're stuck for an idea, open a dictionary, randomly select a word and then try to formulate ideas incorporating this word.
Collins English Dictionary, 21st Century edition. Open page at random, stick pin in. The word is:
HAAKON VII
King of Norway between 1217 and 1263. He strengthened the monarchy and extended Norwegian territory to include Iceland and Greenland. Uh. He was probably cold quite a bit of the time. Large collection of fur coats I imagine. Um. Norway's absence from the EU means the map of Europe on the Euro coin looks a bit rude. Yes. Brr.
5. Define your problem.
Dear Abby: I'm sleeping with someone who seems to have stolen all my imagination and replaced it with an incessant desire for French toast and kissing. What shall I do?
Dear Jack: Ditch the blog and go back to bed.
Oh dear.
6. If you can't think, go for a walk.
Leave house with virtuous intention of bracing stroll around Hackney Marshes. Meet neighbour coming out of his house who looks me up and down with a glad eye. Retreat back inside house and eat four Nobbly Bobbly lollies with the curtains tightly closed.
7. Don't watch TV.
I hardly ever do anyway, but I turn on Radio 4 and listen to Just A Minute instead. Spend entire rest of the day debating whether I would or I would not shag Paul Merton.
8. Don't do drugs.
Ohh. Err. Crap.
9. Read as much as you can about everything possible.
Books I have read in the past fortnight:
Cause of Death: Memoirs of a Home Office Pathologist
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers
What Happens When You Die: From Your Last Breath to The First Spadeful
Cemetery Stories: Creepy Graveyards, Embalming Secrets and the Life of a Corpse After Death
No, you're right, you don't want to know.
10. Exercise your brain.
This apparently can be done by reading a lot - check - and talking to 'clever people'. Right.
ring ring
Friend: Hello?
Me: Hello. It's me. Would you do Paul Merton?
Friend: Tricky. He's funny of course, which is always good, but I'm not sure it would compensate for the fringe.
Friend: And of course, he does look a bit like your dad.
Me: .....
Me: Yeah. There is that.
Me: Cheers.
Me: Bye.
Friend: Bye.
Talk amongst yourselves for a while, would you?
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