20 January 2006
Originally posted on greenfairydotcom
23rd December
9.30pm - Arrive at parents’ house. Admire nativity scene in window overlooking front garden, placed there by my mother because "the Sun says the government is banning them".
10pm - Admire ‘Santa Please Stop Here’ sign on the lawn, special holly patterned paper doilies and plastic robin hanging from the window that chirps Jingle Bells when you clap at it. Retire to bed with headache.
24th December
7.30am - Parents let dog into bedroom to wake me up with ‘kisses’.
8.15am - Pick all the ‘Strawberry Delights’ from the Quality Street for breakfast.
12.30 am - Walk to shop for paper. Write 'bum' in the frost on every car on the way there.
5pm - Go for walk around village with parents in the bitter cold to admire neighbour’s ten foot light up Santa and sleigh.
6-9pm - Dodge requests for pictures of me by the tree.
11pm - Lose twenty quid and a box of chocolate liqueurs to my father at poker.
25th December
6.30am - Am woken by father outside my door singing ‘Frosty The Snowman’. Swear and go back to sleep.
6.45am - Am woken by father outside my door singing ‘When Santa Got Stuck Up The Chimney’. Place pillow over head and go back to sleep.
7.00am - Am woken by father outside my door singing ‘When Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’.
7.01am. Get up. Greeted in living room by my mother in ‘Mrs Claus’ outfit and flashing red nose. Drink three glasses of my father’s ‘special punch’.
7.15am - Open presents. Where do you even buy a handmade reindeer garter belt?
7.30am - Retire to bedroom to watch Radiohead DVDs bought for self.
10.00am - Start feeling a bit unhinged. Come out to ask if it's time for dinner yet. It isn't.
12.00 noon - Father rolls in drunk on cherry brandy from the Dymchurch British Legion Christmas lunchtime quiz. Now it is.
4.00pm - Realise have been inadvertently wearing plastic moustache from cracker at dinner for four hours.
5pm - Begin Star Trek film watching marathon.
11.30pm - Conclude Star Trek film watching marathon when Spock starts to look quite attractive.
26th December
10am-12 midnight - Eat cheese footballs.
27th December
7.00am - Am woken up in order to ‘beat the crowds at the sales’.
8.00am - Arrive at sales. Nowhere yet open.
10.00 am - Spend gift vouchers on gin and pornography.
4.00pm - Arrive back in London. Kiss the ground.