20 January 2006
Originally posted on greenfairydotcom
You've been spoilt recently with all these posts about sex and drugs. It's time you started thinking about the end of the world. Or, more specifically, about whether or not you are ready for Rapture, when Jesus will carry off from the earth all the good Christian people who floss twice a day and leave the rest to perish and burn when Lucifer and his armies of darkness take over what - and who - is left.
What? You're not? My oh my, don't you know that
More than 95 percent of Americans, if given a choice between Jesus and Satan, would choose to spend eternity with Jesus Christ.
No? Then you need Rapture Ready, your handy guide to spotting the causes of, the likely arrival time of, and how you can save yourself and those you love from the firey torments of Armageddon. I recommend starting with the FAQ, which also has answers to those puzzling questions such as 'Will the Antichrist come out of the European Union?'.
But it's not all bad news. For those who failed to dedicate their lives to Jesus and got left behind, there is the handy Post-Rapture Survival Guide.
Since you have decided to reject Christ's offer to join in the rapture, your concern is how to maintain good health in the post rapture era. Stock up on food, medicines, living supplies, weaponry and gold. You will need enough for 7 years. Don't plan on being able to supplement your food with hunting and fishing because the stocks of wild animals and fish will have been depleted and destroyed by the 3 1/2 year worldwide drought and three successive meteor-like or comet-like objects that strike the earth sometime after the rapture.
If you are a sinner and have been rejected, you will of course 'most likely die sometime in the next few years', as Satan's minions rampage across the scorched planet for seven years before Jesus returns to set up his kingdom on Earth. But all is not lost. There is still hope for salvation, as long as you do not accept the mark of the beast on your right hand or forehead. If you do of course, you're buggered for all eternity.
But wait! You may well be wondering, will the internet still be around that I may gather up this information that I was too much of a heathen to pay attention to before the Dark Lord Beelzebub ascended to the earth to place 'canker sores all over your genitalia'? Do not fear.
After all, the internet was designed to survive a nuclear war. It should be able to survive the great catching up of all believers.
Well there's a relief. Now, where can I get hold of a 'In Case Of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned' bumper sticker?