Originally posted on greenfairydotcom

London Underground have published a new guide for women on using the tube. I am sure you, like I, have been simply yearning for someone to explain to us how the fundamentally different way we use the underground from men can be best coped with. And this leaflet has been produced 'by women for women', so it is sure to be packed full of useful 'tips' on how us girls can 'get the best out of the tube'.

The leaflet is decorated with pictures of lipsticks, because nothing of course is so simultaneously appealing to, and representitive of, women than make up. Perhaps they were thinking train tubes, lipstick tubes. But does this anaology go far enough? I want a leaflet adorned with pictures of fallopian tubes with eggs done up in the colours of the various lines, travelling down them. Neat little rows of sperm decked out in briefcases and bowler hats waiting at the end to board, with nary the diapraghm of signal failure to bar their way.

Let us see what London Underground have to offer me beside a cute, unthreatening curly pink font as I navigate my precariously girlie way round public transport.

Try to make time for breakfast. A cereal bar does the trick and fits nicely into the tiniest handbag.

We know you girls are either just too busy doing your hair in the mornings to have time for eating, and if you had the time you'd probably be on a diet anyway. But if you could see your way to popping some food into your cute little bag, our station assistants won't have to pick you up when your silly little heads get dizzy and you faint on the trains. Thank you.

It's good to have the number of a licensed minicab tucked away in your purse.

Don't go home with a man you barely know wearing only your pants. That's you wearing just your pants, not him. Apart from anything else, you'll have to do the walk of shame the next morning with no trousers on. Though if it's him wearing your pants, I can see the attraction there. I mean, I would. So you can too if you want to.

Things like twisted ankles can be a real pain, so mind your step on the escalators - especially if you're wearing your party shoes.

You ladies; you know how you get when you're tipsy.

What else? Travel with a friend at night or stick close to the emergency alarms, 'baby on board' badges are available so people don't just think you're fat and check out our website for 'glamorous' places to meet near stations. As a delicate female traveller I feel well cared for, and shall certainly be giving London Underground my custom again. As long as I can find someone to go with me.