Originally posted on greenfairydotcom

Before she left, my predecessor handed me a file thick with glossy leaflets along with a sympathetic smile; it had been her job to organise the office Christmas party, and now it is mine.

I have landed myself in a company that believes in 'team building' through enforced mass events and as such in my first ten days I have already been to the pub twice and once to an extremely competitive night of bowling in which my weak girlie wrist action was silently yet palpably (and, alas, deservedly) looked upon with derision. My new work colleagues are not tedious people; they do not forward 'amusing' emails and no-one has yet told me that I don't have to be crazy to work there but it helps, so I have no reason to want to put them to death by whatever means the stationary cupboard can provide. But they are indiscrimately social, and I am not. I like to spend my evenings dancing around my living room and pretending to be Brett Anderson or or watching CSI in my pants and eating squirty cream straight from the can, not perching uncomfortably on a bar stool making polite conversation about my morning commute and sipping something that three of isn't going to cause me to inadvertantly say 'cunt' in front of my boss. The thought of the planned quad biking weekend in Lancashire later in the year is making me queasy already.

Were I the boss, I would just give everyone fifty quid and tell them to go out and spend it on something that makes them not want to come into the office the next morning, but he is of a different disposition, it seems. I looked through the file, and these were my choices:

Option One: the Diamonds Are Forever Bond Night
Sample Itinerary:
7pm - Guests greeted by James Bond and Bond girls
7.30pm - Vodka martini reception. Band playing Bond theme tunes
8pm - Dinner is served. Bond table novelties
9pm - Sean Connery / Roger Moore / Pussy Galore lookalike competition

I could not stand the constant toe-curling embarrassment even if the Bond table novelties turned out to be one of the magnetic devices that undoes zips from a distance, and there's not much I wouldn't do for one of those.

Option two: The Medieval Banquet
Step back in time as you enter the atmospheric Olde Englande setting at the famous Medieval Banquet! Let your imagination run wild as you are invited to watch fighting knights and strolling players singing medieval ballads! Enjoy the gastromic delights of a traditional succulent English four-course meal, served by the finest wenches in the land!

You can 'dance with the wenches'. You can 'sing along with the medieval revelry'. You can 'feel the excitement' as your host, Henry VIII, welcomes you. No mention in the brochure of enjoying the olefactory delights of open latrines or experiencing the wonder of genuine Black Death victims; those pleasures possibly only open to the purchasers of the Platimum Corporate Package.

Option three: Midnight In Monte Carlo at Aldenbrook Country Park
Join the Jet-Set, avoid the Paparazzi and stroll down the Red Carpet into Millionaires Casino - with Amazing Entertainment including Live Music, our Grand Prix 6-Car Challange Simulator, Opulantly furnished Casino, Exotic Showgirl cabaret, State of the Art Disco and Revolutionised menu's!

Least Excruciating of the Bunch, but cannot Possibly consider giving Custom to Company employing such Liberal Misue of Capital Letters and Atrociously placed Apostrophes.

Option four: Resignation.

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