Three things I would like to be able to do but for some reason, can't seem to find appropriate evening classes.

1. Throw a real punch
The nose splintering kind that makes the sort of contact noise you only ever hear in films and sends the other person flying backwards into a conveniently placed pile of cardboard boxes. I can only dream of the inner peace that knowing I could do that if required would bring me, as opposed to fearing my fighting style when pressed might actually be to turn away and flap at my opponent with my hands for a bit like the big girl I am.

2. Whistle with my fingers
This was one of the things my mother told me as a young girl that ladies didn't do (along with going into a pub on their own and straddling a motorbike without wearing tights) and as such, I want to be able to desperately. But despite years of the best tutoring from vulgar friends both male and female, I can produce nothing but a damp hiss and a dribble. See also: that insouciant sort of one handed card shuffling that instantly makes certain kinds of people (oh, okay, just me) want to sleep with you, tying a cherry stalk in a knot with your tongue and the kind of smoke ring blowing that gives the impreesion you're reclining langorously in a beautiful gown and brandishing your tortoiseshell cigarette holder at a group of admirers in a club on the continent circa 1945.

3. Put a condom on with my teeth
I have never had cause to do this and were I actually in possession of such a skill I doubt I could ever bring myself to use it. I want to be able to do it just because such an ability was considered the absolute apogee of sexual sophistication in my school when I was fourteen and still not entirely sure what went where. Not to be confused with being known for actually putting it into practise of course, which would label you as the sort who would do anything in the third cubicle from the end in the girls toilets for a cola ice pop and a packet of Rainbow Drops.