4 October 2006
Ten thoughts that occurred in quick succession upon receiving a jury summons in the post last week.
1. I am Jack, fearless dispenser of truth, justice and general all-purpose arse-kicking to the assorted scoundrals and naer-do-wells of London Town! See me push past the eager hoards of spectators at the Old Bailey with a noble yet humble expression, both mind and jaw set firmly against corruption and villany wherever it may hide! Watch me modestly assert no comment to the gathered press from around the world after I graciously pass righteous judgement in the trial of the century on a crime ring of quite nasty people hell bent on...
2. ...oh. The court's in Enfield.
3. I will be forced to spend two weeks having to listen to stories of teenage gangstas of dubious mental acumen stabbing other teenage gangstas because they weren't sitting with their legs far enough apart on the bus to be considered truly and properly heterosexual.
4. What as waste of such quiveringly precise ethical standards and such a lovingly polished collection of absolute moral truths as my own! Don't they know the spleen damange that can occur when such a person is denied their God-given right to smite in the majesterial fashion befitting them?
5. How can I get out of it?
6. What if I greet the defendant's arrival in court with a wide grin and a loud call that I haven't seen him for ages and did he get that stuff for me at the price we agreed?
7. What if I go up to the person in charge on the first day and confide conspiratorially that I'm sure the defendant will be one of those dreadful darkies, they get up to all sorts you know?
8. What if I can't help myself and blurt out 'going dahhhhhhhhhhhhn!!' at the moment of sentencing and get arrested for contempt of court?
9. This is nothing but a dreadful and inevitable millstone of age and unwelcome responsibility. Soon I'll grow jowls and start willingly using the word 'endowment' in situations that aren't even anything to do with men.
10. Dear HM Courts Service. Thank you for your kind invitation to serve as a juror in one of your lovely courts. I have however just broken into my next door neighbour's house and written BUM in three foot high letters in the condensation on their patio doors and now as a common criminal of the grossest moral turpitude it is with regret that I feel I must turn down the chance to attend. Please don't send the rozzers round. Love, Jack.
Jack, I will pay you to do your jury service. Someone at work got 5 weeks (5 weeks!) off to do it, and an escort to and from home in a van with mirrored windows. And you seem reluctant. There's no justice in the world.
By the way, what is короткая расправа? It's all Greek to me... (or is it Cyrillic?)
posted by annie | 5 October 2006You should proposition the judge. That should do it. Or just ask if they can autograph some black market home porn tapes you recognise them from.
posted by anna | 5 October 2006Ohh suck it up.
If yer really lucky, like me, you get to sit in a small room for days then, when they finally deem it applicable for you to be IN the damn thing you get into court and the first sentence out of the prosecutors assistant - who is briefing you on the case - rules you all out of being on the jury as he mentions that the accused is a habitual criminal.
Somehow this 'taints' your view of the accused - so said the judge - and you are excused from jury service.
Balls to the lot of it I say.
posted by Gordon | 5 October 2006короткая расправа is Russian for 'rough justice'.
posted by Jack | 6 October 2006Listen carefully to the case, then spend the entire time in the jury room arguing for medieval & Draconian punishments up to & including death in the Iron Maiden, the rack & that charming spiked cage worn about the head. That should make the accused's next "Glasgie Kiss" interesting...
posted by PD | 6 October 2006I got to do my jury service at the Old Bailey, but it really wasn't exciting.
I sat in the canteen for days, listening to my "walkman" (this was before the days of digital music players - I had to carry tapes around with me and everything). Finally got into a case on the last couple of days which was all pretty grim and we couldn't reach a verdict.
But, it's time off work, and for that it should be applauded.
(hello, by the way)
posted by anxious | 6 October 2006I often sit and wonder what thoughts are going on behind your eyes and then I discover that its things like this. I'm shaking my head here in despair, I really am.
posted by D | 6 October 2006If you really truly want to get out of it, just take along a copy of the Daily Telegraph. Probably only 70p, and the defence will immediately kick you out, or deselect you, or whatever they do.
posted by Peter | 6 October 2006You should not to jury service on the grounds you are not sympathetic enough to hungover friends.
that is all.
posted by Adrian | 6 October 2006what happened to greenfairy.com, and what does pandemian mean?
posted by Sean | 8 October 2006I refer the (dis)honourable gentleman here and here.
posted by Jack | 8 October 2006It's worth serving on a jury, if only because it resolutely refuses to confirm your prejudices. For me, it blew away two of my middle-class assumptions in quick succession:
1. "Juries form, on the whole, a reasonable cross-section of the local society." Out of a cohort of five dozen or so called for service on the same week as me, there were perhaps two non-white faces. There were other demographic biases that don't immediately spring to mind, but you've probably formed a picture in your mind already.
2. "A jury of people who don't share at least some attributes of class, race, gender or culture with the defendant can't give them a fair trial." Despite point #1, and despite several jurors I conversed with being Daily-Mail reading hang-and-floggers, the defendants received the absolute maximum benefit of doubt that they could possibly receive. The system (for all its inherent faults) worked well because those faults were so visible: every potential error on our part was simply too big to be ignored. We'd need to have been 12 resolutely ill-meaning individuals for it not to work, and that's a hard cross-section to get outside of show trials.
They both went down, mind. I saw to that. Yes.
posted by jps | 9 October 2006Jury Duty is a responsiblity of citizenship in a democracy.
So is voting.
The system works (I've done it seven times & everybody made a conscientious effort to get it right).
It's only two weeks out of your life every other year so do it and get over it.
Better yet, blog about it after every mind numbing day.
Besides, are you're telling us this is worse than your job?
I think you're protesting because you think you're supposed to.
Heaven forfend that you should adopt a less than ennui filled attitude towards society in general while fulfilling your duty to said society.
For shame, Jack. You're better than this.
posted by Tom | 12 October 2006I protest for exactly the same reason that I get annoyed whenever I need to pee but can't be bothered to get up off the sofa and I will go and do it for the same reason that I don't actually wet myself where I lie.
posted by Jack | 12 October 2006Yes well, you say that and yet I remember on one distinct occasion...
You're glaring at me. I'll shut up.
posted by D | 12 October 2006I've never been called for jury duty, but I think I would enjoy it if I were. It would be a change of pace, anyway.
posted by Bianca | 16 October 2006I got called for jury duty when I was 19. I had to go for two days before I was finally able to tell them that I had to go to school and couldn't serve. Dismissed, just like that. The court clerk and the lawyers both said numerous times that if you don't want to serve for whatever reason, tell them right away. They don't want people who aren't into it. The lawyers actually said "Nobody is forcing you to do jury duty". My advice to you is to go on the first day and tell the court clerk that you don't want to serve.
posted by Kristen | 30 October 2006