Whilst lying on the sofa, idly browsing for ways get get rich without taking off my dressing gown I stumble across 10 Killer Posts, a list of types of blog post for the terminally short of imagination. Apparently they Help Bloggers Succeed, though, so there might be something in there that can at least help me kill time writing while I'm waiting to get rick quick. I look over the list. To the disquiet of Accident and Emergency departments all over the country however I did a how to last month, my last review shook the baking industry to its very core, the last time I went on the offensive it brought a frankly alarming amount of mediocre newspaper columnist's fans out of the woodwork, I am nothing if not shamefacedly mistress of the list filler and as the last post amply illustrates you really do not what to see what currently passes for my 'research results'.

But 'campaign', now, that's something I've never done. Especially if you don't count that time when I was eight and got up a petition for school dinners to be replaced with Flumps. So, it's with great pride and absolutely no lingering misgivings whatsoever that I present you with:

The Pandemian Campaign for the Rudification of the English Language

It has long been my belief that the English language is woefully under endowed with swear words really suitable for expressing the subtle nuances of dismay and aggravating circumstances that we find ourself facing every day. We have cunt. We have shit. We have fuck. But by overuse we've worn them out, and while for a time the crisis was allayed by using a profanity in the conjunction of two or more words; for example cuntspanner or fuckwit, this was a temporary measure that could only stretch so far. Now I weep with frustration to hear these poor, exhausted terms of abuse still being used on our streets and in our schools. You could, of course, always invent your own word entirely from scratch. But this is tiring and requires a certain amount of inspiration and who needs that extra effort on these dark, wintry evenings? Why exert yourself when your mother tongue is simple heaving with slightly dirty-sounding words just throbbing to be given that extra push into out and out smut? To start, I suggest the following:

1. Futtock
2. Gherkin
3. Kumquat
4. Gruntle
5. Snood
6. Spatula
7. Trombone
8. Weasel
9. Penge
10. Girth

Use them on the tube. Use them in board meetings. Use them over Christmas dinner. Use them through a megaphone at Oxford Circus. Use them from the pulpit of your local church when someone's getting married. But for kumquat's sake use them. The future of creative swearing rests in your filthy little mouth.

Thank you.