Katzenjammer

And how am I today? I'll tell you.

Symptom: Shoulders that shriek in pain if I try to do anything more taxing than making a cup of tea
Diagnosis: Muscle strain from using parts of my body unflexed since 1987
Cause: Being unable to stop playing Wii boxing until I've smashed each and every one of my opponents into a quivering, bloody mush and I'm hoarse, sweaty and unable to see properly
Remedy: Switching to the cow flinging game for the time being

Symptom: A slight tickle in the left nostril, unscratchable by any polite means
Diagnosis: An impending cold
Cause: The eagerly spread germs of the filthy fried chicken eating, tinny RnB listening mouth breathers on the 253 bus from Euston to Hackney.
Remedy: Comforting profiteroles for breakfast and a tube of NoSore nose balm.

Symptom: A two kilo weight tied round my cervix with string, swinging gently in the breeze
Diagnosis: What my grandmother with a sad shake of the head would have called 'the curse' and what a certain friend of mine calls 'entertaining my red-headed cousin from down south' with a laugh that could strip paint
Cause: Double x chromosomes
Remedy: Light exercise and judicious application of a pink furry hot water bottle shaped like a pig

Symptom: A negligible twinge in the right ankle
Diagnosis: A negligible twinge in the right ankle
Cause: Inadvertently flinging myself sideways over my laptop on the floor while dancing round my living room to Megadeth with a hot water bottle stuffed down my knickers
Remedy: Immediate and prolonged bed rest with a dirty novel and the rest of the profiteroles

3 February 2007

Comments

I know where you're coming from with the Wii Boxing, my shoulder's been screwed since early December.

Posted by Matt | 3 February 2007

I sense this may not be that interesting.

Symptom: Missing lower right leg.
Diagnosis: Leg fell off.
Cause: Er, leg being removed. And stupidity.
Remedy: Buy new leg on eBay.

Posted by An Unreliable Witness | 3 February 2007

I read this post backwards, just because I can.

And thanks. Thankyou. Thank YOU so very much.
I'd forgotten all about the 253 (otherwise known as the nightmare bus to hell) and thought it had been eradicated fully from the memory banks.
Now, sadly, it has returned to haunt my dreams.

I don't want to hate you but it's hard. It's so hard.

Posted by Timbo | 3 February 2007

I'm waiting for the post scriptum;

Symptom: Aching fingers
Diagnosis: Hairline fractures throughout phalanges
Cause: Punching screen of TV by STANDING TOO BLOODY CLOSE TO IT
Remedy: Put the Wiimote down. Down! DOWN!

Posted by D | 3 February 2007

A prolonged novel and a dirty bed works too.

Posted by BOSSY | 3 February 2007

Mebbe it's bird flu. (Not wanting to scare you - I'm just saying... )

Posted by Peter | 4 February 2007

Symptom: Aching heart
Diagnosis: Unlovable twat
Cause: Skinny legs and effeminate ways
Remedy: Throw self off multi-storey car park

Posted by andre | 4 February 2007

Simply overjoyed to find another blog which invokes the magical powers of fairy washing up liquid. You are no longer alone

Posted by Overjoyed | 5 February 2007

Symptom: Irrational behaviour
Diagnosis: Unrequited love for fellow blogger
Cause: Pandemian
Remedy: TBC

Posted by oe | 5 February 2007

It was occasions just like this that I had in mind when I was trying to convince my parents that hours spent in front of the mirror trying to perfect raising one eyebrow above the other would in fact stand me in greater stead in later life than doing my French homework.

Posted by Jack | 8 February 2007

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