You. You're probably not like me. When your father offered you money on your seventeenth birthday to learn to drive, you probably didn't take the cash and use it to spend every Saturday night for the next year face down on the unidentifiably sticky carpet of your local rock dive instead. You probably just learnt to drive. How I guffawed openly at the foolishness of you and your kind as you wobbled your khaki Fiat Uno with the black film on the windows through the sixth form car park! How I congratulated myself heartily for spending my money on blue raspberry flavoured 20/20 rather than a series of increasingly rubbish polystyrene body kits all of which would later fall off in the car park of McDonalds at three am as you attempted handbrake turns in the vain effort to get into the white nylon miniskirts of the watching fifteen year old girls all of which were, unknown to you, sleeping with your brother! And oh, how the mocking eyes of destiny lay heavily upon me last week as I sat, muttering ferociously and nearly thirty, in the theory test centre unable to remember the correct sequence of traffic lights as anything other than Strawberry Dream, Lemon Ice and Key Lime Pie.

I passed, however, for the disputably comforting reason that if there's anything more hopeless than my understanding of driving it is the theory test itself. As I contemplated the questions before me I wondered if in fact this test was not designed to evaluate a candidate's driving skills but rather their suitability for being allowed to continue to live at all. Question fourteen, for example, or thirty one:

14) You have had a heated argument with a friend. You are feeling very angry but must drive home. Should you... a) have a strong drink to calm your nerves
b) drive very quickly to minimise your time on the road
c) use your mobile phone to get reassurance from another friend while driving back
d) wait until you are calm before driving

31) You are the first to arrive at the scene of a motorway accident. A motorcyclist is lying on the ground. Should you...
a) pull off his helmet and give him a cigarette
b) step onto the motorway and begin directing traffic
c) drive away, leaving it for someone else to deal with
d) call the emergency services

You take the test in little booth with headphones on, completely cut off from everybody else. It is not inconceivable that as soon as someone presses any button that isn't marked d), a trapdoor opens underneath then and they slide directly into an underground furnace, never to be heard of again. I'd certainly approve.

On the other hand, you might be like me after all. Can you tell me in two seconds or less how much change for a tenner you would have got after purchasing three Two Dogs, a double JD and coke and one of those curious spherical plastic teeth cleaning devices from the women's loo in 1995? If so, then the following Pandemian approved, painstakingly observed guide to the most probably correct theory test answers might come in handy: