I am 30 today.
30 things I have learned in the last 30 years.

1. Never break two laws at once.
2. Tizer will remove marker pen from latex.
3. Whenever possible, drink from curly straws.
4. Don't get too comfortable.
5. Only touching something when you know where it's been gets boring quickly.
6. Silence can be passed off as grace.
7. Never get involved with a man in a homburg.
8. The cure for heartbreak is realising that hearts don't actually break.
9. Plot often and with feeling.
10. Keep shoes off the table unless you're tapdancing on it.
11. Read the Daily Mail and do the opposite.
12. Do not let anyone cut your hair in exchange for a Megadeth CD.
13. Trying to be sexy is oxymoronic.
14. Many unexpected things can be successfully used as a mixer for vodka.
15. However milk is not one of them.
16. Tapwater neither.
17. Do not wait for permission.
18. Or approbation.
19. The best sweeties often come from strangers.
20. My body is not a temple, it is a once-use only, disposable plastic tent from Argos.
21. Never foxtrot on a bendy bus.
22. Romance does not come in shades of pink and red.
23. When in doubt, twiddle your moustache.
24. Be suspicious of the originality of the self-declared cynic.
25. It's not what you do, it's what it does to you.
26. Things do not in fact happen for a reason.
27. You cannot pole dance to Bing Crosby.
28. Sherbet Dip Dabs are fine to have for dinner three days in a row, but not four.
29. You don't have to.
30. No, you really don't.

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